Greg's Real Love Blog

Twelve-Step Programs

On many occasions people have commented that they see similarities between the principles of Real Love and the principles of the Twelve-Step recovery programs: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and so on.

Real Love was not derived from the Twelve Steps, but there are some similarities. As in Real Love, the twelve steps place a prominent emphasis on truth telling and acceptance. I believe that it is for that reason that the Twelve Steps are often effective.

In some respects, however, Real Love and the Twelve Steps differ significantly:

1. The Twelve Steps emphasize that addiction is a disease over which we have no power. Real Love teaches that addictive behaviors are not a disease at all but a response to the pain of insufficient love in our lives.

2. The Twelve Steps openly declare our need to rely on a Higher Power. Real Love recognizes that some people are not ready to take that step and instead introduces them to the healing power of Real Love from others, in the belief that this will eventually lead people to the infinite love from a divine source.

3. In Twelve-Step meetings, people declare themselves to be in recovery when they’re no longer actively using a particular substance or behavior. In Real Love meetings, it is recognized that we can be addicted to anything that makes us feel good temporarily—drugs, alcohol, sex, anger, approval, victimhood, and so on—and that we must be vigilant about monitoring our tendencies toward addiction all our lives.

4. In most Twelve-Step meetings, people describe themselves without receiving feedback from other people in attendance. In Real Love meetings, feedback from others is encouraged, because it is recognized that when we’re empty and afraid, we’re often blind to our behaviors and therefore unable to tell the truth about those behaviors without help from other people.

When people are first facing the truth of their addiction to a substance or behavior handled by one of the Twelve-Step programs—alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, for example—I often refer them to the relevant program. The Twelve-Step principles and the association with fellow addicts is often therapeutic, even life saving. When people attend Twelve-Step meetings, they have an opportunity to see that their problem is not unique and to feel accepted. They hear the stories of people who have regained productive lives.

Most people, however, require more than the Twelve Steps. The basic cause of the addiction—the lack of Real Love—must also be addressed, and for that reason I suggest that all addicts become involved in some kind of Real Love regimen in addition to their Twelve-Step program during the first year. Then, after a year, I further suggest that all addicts become primarily involved in finding and sharing Real Love, rather than continuing to emphasize their addictions in the Twelve Steps.

As people attempt to implement the principles of Real Love, one of the more common problems they encounter is what they call “not enough time.” People They complain that there just isn’t enough time for reading, watching the daily coaching segments on RealLove.com, participating in the chat rooms on the website, calling wise men and women, attending groups, going to seminars, and so on.

Typical is the letter I received from one woman, Lisa, who said, “Greg, I know I need to be spending more time with Real Love. I can already feel the difference in my life, but there are so many other demands on my time: my husband, my children, soccer games, this and that. I feel like there’s just no time for what I want to do most. What do you suggest?”

I address my response to all of us who feel like we just don’t have time for the important things. If you had a heart attack and were hospitalized in the Intensive Care Unit, what would happen to all those things you presently have to do? Who would take the kids to soccer? Who would fix the meals? Who would put in the overtime hours at work?

The answer? Who cares? If you were in a bed in Intensive Care, those other tasks just wouldn’t matter much, would they? And why not? Because saving your life would be such a high priority that no one would criticize you for letting the other things go.

People who are mired in emptiness and fear, and who are swallowed up in Getting and Protecting Behaviors, are every bit as sick as people who have suffered a heart attack. Emptiness and fear are utterly crippling, but because they often don’t cause physical pain, and because they don’t leave physical scars, we tend to diminish their seriousness. We recognize the need for hospitalization for a heart attack, but we trivialize the need for the emotional care necessary for those who have lacked Real Love all their lives.

If you’re in the process of finding Real Love, do whatever it takes to make that happen in your life. Participate in the chat rooms. Watch the daily coaching segments on RealLove.com. Make phone calls or personal visits every day until you find the Real Love you need. That may mean that you’ll have to say no to people who interfere with that process. Those people will often make you feel guilty that you’re spending time “on yourself” instead of seeing to their needs, but you must remember that until you feel more unconditionally loved yourself—and until you are capable of being more unconditionally loving—you won’t really have the ability to love the people around you and make a truly positive contribution to their lives. “Spending time” with people in the absence of Real Love does no one much good.

People will push you to pay more attention to them, but the irony is that if you ignore your own personal development, you can’t really help anyone, and in the process you become miserable yourself. Everyone loses.

Not long ago I enjoyed the experience of visiting the Egyptian Museum in Cairo. In that place, they have more ancient artifacts—dating as far back as five thousand years—sitting out in some of their storage passageways as many other museums have in their entire collections. I was fascinated. As I was discussing what I was seeing with a friend—the progression of dynasties, the depictions on the tombs of the passage through the twelve hours of the night, the meaning of some of the hieroglyphics, Horus and the other gods—another person in our group said, “I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Am I somehow missing this whole experience?”

“Not at all,” I said. “The details are intellectually interesting, but they don’t really matter that much. What really matters is the meaning of everything you see. All these piles of mummies and cartouches and sarcophagi and papyrus and jewelry provide a great deal of evidence that these ancient people were just like us. They had a profound need to have a sense of meaning and a connection to a power greater than themselves—just like we do. They felt strongly about their families—as we do. They fought among themselves and with other nations for power, and in the process they caused great unhappiness—just as we have done. As I stand here among all these things, I’m reminded that we’re all part of the same family, learning the same lessons. I feel motivated to avoid the mistakes made by these people—or any other people—and to learn and to follow what they did to make them happy.”

Sometimes I see people get into intellectual debates about the principles of Real Love. “Which of the Getting and Protecting Behaviors are involved in this interaction,” they ask? “Which form of Imitation Love is being used here?” “Which of the Pearls of Real Love would best be used in this situation?” Or they discuss the mechanics of how exactly Real Love works to resolve a conflict. As with the Egyptian Museum, all the details don’t matter much. Real Love is not complicated. If a behavior leads toward feeling loved, loving others, and feeling happy, persist in that behavior. If a behavior yields only temporary satisfaction or excitement but then tends to degenerate into disappointment and emptiness, don’t continue that behavior.

Don’t worry about the intellectual details of Real Love. Look for the feeling of deep peace that invariably follows our feeling loved and loving others. In the end, it doesn’t matter much what you know. What matters is how you feel.

When I was a kid, I played the piano pretty well, well enough that I won piano competitions locally and regionally, and occasionally I performed in front of large audiences. Because of my interest in the piano, I often attended the performances of concert pianists who passed through the large cities near the town where I grew up. Sometimes after a performance, I would hear people say, “That was beautiful. I’d give anything to be able to play like that.”

I remember thinking more than once, “No, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t give anything to play like that, or you would have.” I knew what I’d sacrificed to play at my level—getting up early every day of my young life to practice for thirty to six minutes, and then practicing again after school—and that was nothing compared with what these professional pianists had sacrificed to achieve their level of dexterity and musicianship.

The accomplishment of worthwhile goals rarely comes without significant effort, and the most worthwhile goal of all is genuine happiness. I speak to many unhappy people, and in most cases I ask them what they’ve been doing to achieve the happiness they claim they want. Usually the answer is, Nothing. I then describe some simple steps whereby they can find this happiness and eliminate the emptiness, fear, frustration, and anger that have caused them so much misery.

I often have the opportunity to speak to these people again, and many of them are just as unhappy as when I spoke to them originally. Of course I ask what they’ve done about the steps I described, and in the case of those who are still unhappy the answer is almost invariably the same: They haven’t done a thing.

They usually have quite a collection of excuses to offer. They were too busy, their relatives were in town, they had a cold, something. Of course, they had the time to do everything else in their lives, but not the time to do what mattered most. They claim they want to play the piano, but they have not taken the time to actually practice the piano.

I’m not condemning anyone. I understand why this happens. Changing our lives is uncomfortable. It requires that we do things we’re not used to doing, often things that are even frightening.

Whatever our excuses, however, if we want to learn to play the piano, we must practice. If we want to become physically fit, we must exercise. If we want to find the Real Love that will produce the genuine happiness we’ve always wanted, we have to study the principles and then actually make the phone calls and meet with people to share who we are with them. Only then can we create the opportunities to feel the power of unconditional love in our lives.

If we exercise the faith to take these steps just a few times, we’ll usually experience enough of a reward that a continued exercise of our faith becomes much easier. I’ve seen people successfully take this path so many times that with complete confidence I can promise success to those who will actually take the steps, just as I can promise to those who practice the piano that their ability to play will grow. It’s a law. We can count on it.