Greg's Real Love Blog

On thousands of occasions people have come to me with problems in their relationships that they believed were hopelessly complicated. After blowing away the chaff of all the details of their stories, however, I have discovered that the great majority of their complaints could be distilled into a single question or plea. They're saying, "How can I get more of the love that I want from my spouse, lover, parent, child, employer, friend, or whoever?" Regrettably, they rarely realize that love is what they want, confusing their demands with words like respect, gratitude, cooperation, communication, listening, help, sex, money, attention, and so on.

Most people are far from satisfied with the quality and quantity of love in their lives, so they reach out and try to manipulate the people around them for more of that love, or they try to outright force love from them. Their questions to me-however subtly they might phrase them-are almost invariably about how they might best squeeze various forms of love from others.

The moment we even contemplate getting loving from others, however, we have begun to take steps down a path that is guaranteed to have a miserable ending, which I can illustrate by describing a visit my wife and I recently made with my parents to Callaway Gardens, a lovely resort near Pine Mountain, Georgia. On the grounds of the resort was a large building dedicated solely for the raising and housing of butterflies. Inside the Butterfly Center we enjoyed the privilege of walking a path through all manner of trees, shrubs, and other plant life, while thousands of butterflies of many species dance about in the air, displaying both their acrobatics and their spectacular forms and colors.

Throughout the habitat various fruits were scattered to provide food for the butterflies, and it was fascinating to watch the winged creatures alight to extend their delicate feeding tubes to nourish themselves. The butterflies also landed on every other surface throughout the building, including the clothing and skin of the people walking about. The patrons were all carefully instructed not to touch the butterflies, because their wings were quite delicate and easily damaged. Nonetheless, when a butterfly landed on our arm or shirt, it was so tempting to reach out and touch it, an almost irresistible belief that touching would result in an even closer connection to the wonder and beauty of this living thing. But we knew that if we gave in to this temptation and touched the insect's wing, the surface of the wing would very likely be damaged, which would make flight, feeding, and life impossible for the butterfly. In short, any attempt on our part to manipulate or control the beauty we were observing would result in its destruction.

A similar process occurs if we attempt to control unconditional love. The moment we reach out to manipulate the attention, respect, gratitude, cooperation, or affection of another person-the moment we attempt to get love from anyone-we destroy the possibility that what we will receive will feel as though it were given unconditionally. We can feel Real Love only if we don't grab it, manipulate it, or control it. Love is real only when it's freely given and freely received.

On one occasion while I was at the Butterfly Center, when I was standing quite still, a gorgeous, cerulean blue butterfly descended from the sky and alighted on my shoulder. After noticing this unexpected event out of the corner of my eye, I slowly turned my head and enjoyed this amazing sight for some time before the creature sprang again into the air. I was grateful for this precious moment and grateful that I had done nothing to interfere with the butterfly's actions in any way. Had I done anything to control the experience, I would have greatly diminished-or perhaps entirely ruined-the joy of it.

And so it has been with my experiences with Real Love. I'm grateful when people love me unconditionally, but I have learned that I cannot control such experiences. If I try to manipulate people to love me-if I try to get their attention, respect, or affection in any way-I ruin any possibility of feeling genuinely loved. If, on the other hand, I do nothing to manipulate people, if I am just myself-standing quite still, as it were, allowing the butterflies to land on me as they choose-unconditionally loving experiences will come to me, and the feelings are quite miraculous.

“My husband never talks to me anymore.”
“My wife never wants to have sex.”
“My boyfriend didn’t call.”
“My boss doesn’t appreciate me.”
“My children just don’t do what I tell them.”

These are some of the more common complaints that people express in relationships, complaints that are often repeated over and over again, each time indicating gaping wounds that never seem to heal but only worsen with time. It’s a painful thing to watch as people agonize over these resentments, because they are absolutely clueless about why their wounds keep recurring and are therefore guaranteed to keep experiencing them.

All of these complaints have a common thread uniting them: expectations. In each instance the speaker is saying that he or she has an expectation that someone behave in a certain way, and he or she is disappointed or hurt or angry or frustrated or otherwise unhappy that the other person refuses to change and deliver the desired behavior.

Everything would change for us if we would realize that it’s not the behavior—or misbehavior—of other people that causes the frustration and pain in our lives. It’s our expectations that cause the disappointment, frustration, and conflict that make us so unhappy.

If we are ever to be happy, we absolutely must get it through our heads that we are not entitled to control other people. Only a moment’s reflection will convince us that such a world—where everyone could control everyone else—would be intolerable. And if we are not entitled to control people, we have no right to expect people to do anything either, because expectations are just another word for control.

When we have expectations of other people, two things tend to happen every time:

First, we can’t feel unconditionally loved ourselves. If I expect you to love me, anything you give me won’t feel as though it’s freely given. I’ll feel only like you’re filling my order, and that’s not a rewarding feeling.

Second, other people can’t feel like they’re loving us. In fact, they feel pressured and controlled, and often they come to resent us. Have you ever had a friend call you when he wanted something from you? We all have. You can feel that he or she wants something, and under those conditions you feel controlled, not as though you can be a loving friend. I once received a call from an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. The moment he said, "Hello," I knew he expected something from me, but I agreed to meet him for dinner anyway. Sure enough, a few minutes after we met, he began his pitch to sell me on a multi-level marketing program that involved the sale of a number of items, including cleaning products. I had smelled the soap over the phone.

We’re all that sensitive to expectations. Our most precious possession is our right to make our own choices. Without it we are nothing, and within us there is a kind of sensor, virtually an alarm that screams if anyone attempts to meddle with that inalienable right.

For that reason, we must always be sensitive to our expectations. If we are disappointed, irritated, or frustrated, our expectations are undeniable. Even when we are afraid, we are demonstrating our expectations about how things should be.

If we have expectations that people will love us—which includes our expectations that they will respect us, be grateful to us, be courteous to us, appreciate us, and so on—they will feel controlled and will react with Getting and Protecting Behaviors, which makes Real Love impossible. If we love other people and have any expectations of their response to our love—gratitude, appreciation, a decrease in anger, anything positive—they will not feel loved but only manipulated.

Expectations are a poison that will destroy our personal happiness and eliminate the joy of our relationships. We must learn to identify our expectations, tell the truth about them, and listen to the counsel of wise men and women who may help us to avoid them.

Without expectations, on the other hand, we become grateful for everything. Disappointment and irritation simply disappear without our even thinking about them. Our lives become filled with an abiding peace that is worth everything we will ever devote to finding it.